don't know

not really sure what i'm feeling right now. kind of torn between two places, two different emotions. i wish that i could just turn off my feelings and just go through the difficult phases of life. cause it would make my life a whole lot easier...and not so much drama, that's for sure. and i guess i wish i didn't depend on people so much, cause i have come to learn that they can let so down over, over and over again. and i never learn. i keep crawling back, thinking things have changed and yet nothing has. what's my problem? sucks...definitely sucks. grrr....i just want to crawl into bed and never wake up. definitely going through some hard times right now...i quit my job a few weeks ago and in the process of looking for another job. but it's not the easiest things, especially in this dying town. and i have all this time on my hands and nothing to do -- so kind of bored and just wondering when things are going to look better for me. so trying to be optimistic isn't working so well when i feel like the whole world is against me. has my luck run out?

halloween resolutions

even though it's a bit early to be making resolutions, i've decided i need to start now...a few that came to mind: to be more proactive; to be more optimistic; to be less moody; to not take everything too personally; stop making excuses for everything and everyone. looks good in writing but we'll see how it actually works out in life.
new york was good..family was good..nephew was even better. wow, i can't believe my sister is a mom and i'm an aunt...i don't feel old enough. and it still seems like a dream. it's weird - living in this alter universe that i am still getting used to living in.
i'm hoping this month will be one of new beginnings and some exciting times...hopefully a new job, new friends and new opportunities. i guess i'm just so used to the same old routine that i just don't feel motivated anymore. i feel like i am throwing away years of education...and i'm slowly willowing away. hopefully something will happen to wake me up from this disaster...

just a few thoughts

wow...it's been a whole week. it surprisingly went by pretty quickly...last saturday was my last day of work so this past week i've been just doing absolutely nothing. it was nice for a few days cause i got to catch up on my sleep, clean my apartment and just do whatever i wanted to. it was nice having the time to do it. but then it was definitely getting boring and i wasn't sure how much longer i could do it. leaving for new york in a few days to visit the family and see my newphew. i heard he's getting huge and just a doll. i bet he is. then i have an interview set...so hopefully will be back to work in a few more weeks....
things seem to be back to normal, even though i seem to keep hitting rough spots all the time...why me? oh well. i guess i just realized that maybe i should take things in stride, not to take everything so personally but to keep my head high and stay optimistic! i'm trying to...i'm really going to try. so that is kind of my halloween resolution since i don't want to wait until new year's to try this - haha. my friendships mean the world to me and to think that i might loose them...sigh. yeah....

end of a chapter

a huge chapter of my life has ended...no more working at the rl anymore for me. i'm really sad to say good-bye to everyone, to know that i'm not going to be seeing them almost everyday, to talk to them whenever i want to. and it has been a place where i have been really comfortable, a place i can be myself and it wasn't a problem. i'm definitely going to miss everything and everyone. but i definitely needed to get away from the craziness, of the odd hours, not sleep and dealing with crappy customers who make you feel so small it's ridiculous. i never realized how rude some people can be, how crappy they are. i would never in my life treat people like i have been treated. and i just had enough. so i'm happy to have that behind me. but i'm also sad to see it all go.
so now a new chapter of my life is developing and i'm not sure where i'm headed or what i'm going to be doing. hopefully i will be able to find a new job quickly, one that pays decent. until then...

life....

it was great seeing my old friend again. he had moved last year and seeing him has been hard since we live so far apart. but he came in for a job interview and it was sooo good seeing him. he's always been there for me and it's hard to imagine my life without him. it makes me think of my other friendships. i've definitely lost contact with people i thought would be in my life forever. but then i guess i shouldn't take it too hard since i have some really amazing friends in my life right now. it's weird how people come and go. and looking back on my life i do wonder where i would be without certain people in my life...would i be a different person, how would i look at certain issues and such.

my life is seeming to get back in order. it's my last week of work at the good ol' rl and i'm sooo excited :-) it's been a pretty crazy decision to just up and quit without having another job lined up, but it was to save my sanity. i really could not go any further. i would seriously be going crazy and it was just a good decision. i know a lot of people do not agree with me but what can i say? it's my life, not theirs.

waiting for a revelation

sometimes i feel that things in my life just seem to hit me all of a sudden. one minute i'm blinded and then the next i'm totally seeing things in a different light. and people as well. things are going a lot better, that's for sure. and i'm definitely not complaining. i was definitely going through this depression thing. i am hoping it isn't something that will repeat itself...
i'm looking forward to the rest of the year, seeing where it will lead me. and i'm really not sure where i will be, even though i say i know exactly where i want to go or where i want to end up. i was pretty sure that i wanted to move back east, see where it might lead me. but now...well i'm not really sure cause i kind of want to stay with my friends, wherever they go. sigh...decisions, decisions, decisions. it's like i'm going to disappoint someone no matter what i do. wish i could be more than one person at a time.

not really sure

it's 4 in the morning and i'm still awake. i don't know why i can't fall asleep. so instead of tossing and turning for another hour i thought i would listen to some of my favorite music and blog for awhile, hoping it might tire me out. i'm not sure if it is because i'm stressing out about little stuff, or because i slept a lot last night and am paying for it now. a lot has happened in the past week. i think i realized that i need to get a new job and thus i put in my two weeks notice. kind of silly of me to do when i don't have another job lined up. but i have some money saved up and i'm hoping whatever happens happens...to my benefit that is. and i also realized how precious and few really good friends are. i guess i was taking people for granted in my life. i just assumed they would always be there, there for me, living in the same place for the rest of our lives. and we would spend every free minute together. but i realized that people have to grow up, that the past is the past and it's never going to be the way it was, no matter how much you want it to be. so that's my fault. i'm starting to wonder what i've done these past three years. have i accomplished anything, or anything significant anyways. sure i'm almost done with my master's, but it sure hasn't helped me find a good pr job. i'm still stuck in this limbo that is called life after graduation. i want to be an adult with responsibilities....will that ever happen for me? i guess things are just crashing down on me. and i'm kind of scared.