the big 2-5

birthday yesterday...can't believe how old i am getting. i guess it really isn't that old but gosh...it kind of is! had a dr's appointment, did a few loads of laundry and took a very much needed nap. then went out to dinner and hung out with friends till late. it was nice. and talked to a bunch of people cause they were calling me. another year....wow, has it really gone by that quickly?
work all weekend and not really looking forward to the rush of the weekend, well if it is actually busy that is. it's been slow the last week and i'm wondering why no one wants to come in and eat. not really sure if people are watching their money more since it's the holidays but i would have thought they wanted to come in and treat their families and out of town guests. just have to wait and see i guess.
things with the 'rents are kind of getting better. we finally had a good talk and i'm hoping it will only get better. not really sure how christmas will be....oh well.

can it get worse?

well thanksgiving has come and gone and i can't believe how fast this year is going by. it's weird cause i feel like i am just standing still watching my life speed past me. and all i can do is watch. and i so wish i had a remote control to just slow things down or even rewind my life so i can do things over again, to not make the same mistakes that i seem to be making over and over again. sigh. just not really sure what's gonna happen to me. i always thought i had all the answers, that life was suppose to be a lot easier than this. but happiness and success seems to be eluding me. and i have not idea what to do, what to expect anymore. is it always going to be like this?
things with the 'rents seem to get worse and worse. they are never happy with me. i can't seem to do anything to please them. but i'm really glad that my sister understands cause she went through the same thing. so at least i kind of feel like i'm not in the wrong or totally to blame for this tension that is between us. but i'm not happy and i'm almost at the point of just saying forget it....
work is going okay though. it's been a lot slower than expected. it's weird cause this weekend was suppose to be one of the busiest of the year and it was so dead....people have been complaining about not making enough money to make rent and bills. i don't know why it's been so dead....
anyways...i guess life can only get better if you make it yourself.

why...

sometimes i look at my life and i'm content -- happy with how things are going, happy that i'm finally on my own, working and having fun with friends. and then other times i really hate it - hate that i feel like i'm wasting six years of education, hate that i haven't found a "real" job yet, hate that i am not really happy about anything in my life. and i hate the way i feel after talking to my parents. i can just hear the disappointment dripping from their voices. grrrr. i feel like i can't do anything to make them happy - absolutely nothing. and my friend was telling me that if they were good parents they would be happy if i was happy. and i have to agree. but right now they can't see anything.
i'm back at work and things are okay. i'm just trying to make sense of my life that's all. i'm trying to understand why it kind of ended up like this. and i'm not really complaining. the only thing that upsets me is not being able to find a job in my field. i never thought it would be this hard, especially since i have my master's and have had such good internships and work experience. what else do i have to do? who do i have to know to land a job around here? and maybe i need to just get out of indiana, go somewhere else, go to a big city and start afresh. i'm trying to keep my sanity in line for the rest of year and just hope that i will be able to move and start all over again. and who knows where...i might end up somewhere i had no idea existed or ever thought of looking at. but i'm just hoping things will work out that's all.
been hanging out my friends a lot and i'm appreciate it...i don't know what i would do without them. sure, sometimes they totally piss me off but i wouldn't trade them for the world....

sigh

ok...back to work tomorrow. sigh. part of me is really happy to be going back but then another part of me is like what the heck???? i don't really mind it just the fact i hate that i can't find anything else. hopefully once i get out of muncie i will be able to find something else, something that will utilize my talents and my education. hate that i feel like i'm wasting six years of school while i'm here.
anyways....my freelancing job is going well -- got more work and my first paycheck :-) yay. it'll be a fun and challenging job though. a lot of extra time so when i have any time free i will be doing that. but i don't mind cause i've had 4 weeks of just sitting on my butt doing absolutely nothing. so i want to jump back into work, keeping busy and not feeling so sorry for myself. who knows what the rest of the year is going to bring. hopefully i will stay sane and happy but not promising anything. i just want to know that i'll be okay. i want to know that this year won't be as bad as i think it will be, that everything is in my head. and something greater is going to happen down the road. that in five years i will have my dream job, that things will just be better.

back to the past

well i decided the best thing for me right now is to go back to my old job. it sucks, but it's basically the only thing i can do. i haven't really been able to find another job that isn't serving or retail. so i might as well go back to a place i know well and have friends at. it's not exactly what i imagined for my life, but it's just something that i have to do...hopefully i will go in there with a better attitude, just be happier and not let so much stuff bother me. i don't know...all i can ask for is a job that pays enough for my bills and crap.
life...i just don't understand. i thought it was going to be a lot better than this. but i can't really complain cause i still have my health, i have a place all to myself, good friends and family. i'm trying not to be so pessimistic.

where am i going?

i feel that i'm just running in circles. different choices, different roads. and where am i headed? i wish i knew. then i would maybe be happier. sometimes i feel that i have this huge facade hiding my true self. and it is definitely starting to crack. am i hating the person that i have become? nothing really new has happened. i'm looking for jobs and wondering if i will find anything. i'm starting to get pretty desperate cause i'm just sitting here with nothing to do. and the only exciting thing that happens to me is when my friends call...well if they call anyway. they're all working. i do have a few interviews set up but who knows if they will pan out. i'm so scared...my future seems to always be a few inches away from my fingertips, always eluding me. where am i going?