fresh new eyes

wow...last night i was looking at my life through fresh eyes...saw a lot of situations differently, a lot of people as well...i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing, but definitely an eye opener and realized that somethings i cannot change and somethings i'm happy to leave alone!

not really sure why things change so quickly for me...am i that fickle or do situations present themselves to me in such a way i cannot control...

it's interesting to say the least. i sometimes wonder where i am headed...

no expectations

i guess i should learn by now that if i don't expect anything then i won't get hurt or disappointed...you'd think i would have mastered that line of thought by now but i haven't. i don't know why i expect so much out of people - as if they won't ever let you know, that they're really going to make you happy and make you feel special. i am such a lush...maybe too much of a romantic or wishing for the best in every situation. what can i say -- i am an optimist...

so maybe life is cruel, bitter and hurtful. should i become that way also? or should i hold onto the goodness and laughter, to pretend that i'm never going to grow old but still be a child, to see the best in everyone and everything. will i become so cynical that i cannot say one good thing about someone or something? will i become jaded from these certain events that seem to plague my life, these routines that always keep me in check. will i learn or turn a blind eye, just wishing and hoping that someone out there will break my uncertainties and finally allow me to believe....

drama, drama, drama

i swear that my life could be a soap opera...i seriously think that sometimes when it gets calm and normal, something happens and i'm just thrown into this huge mess...sigh. i have a lot on my plate right now -- guys, money, jobs, etc. it's all pretty crazy.

went to a drag show last night with my favorite boys. it was so much fun -- and not to mention that i got kissed by a drag queen, haha. and then i finally met the cute bartender from one of my frequent bars...i have been eying him for a while and he was there so i gave him my number -- i hope he calls...but i shouldn't be too disappointed if he doesn't.

anyway...i have some hours to kill before i have to go to work...blah. i just wish sometimes i could have a whole day off work so i can do whatever i want, to actually sleep in and not have my whole body ache when i get out of bed...but then i really do need the money and i absolutely love the people i work with...

corny

so i'm going to be kind of corny and quote a movie quote: why do we fall? so we can pick ourselves up. i feel that i've been falling a lot lately though...especially with trying to find a real job when i graduate. been applying to several jobs around indiana and even in new york but just haven't found anything...guess no one wants to hire me. i'm not sure if it's just too early or if i'm just not qualified...you'd think a master's degree and years of internships would get me something...

but i've been thinking...i want to enjoy my last real summer before i throw myself into a real job and whatnot. i like where i am right now -- i love my friends, hanging out with everyone and working at rl (even though i will complain about it all the time). so i was debating if i just want to have fun this summer, get rested up, really enjoy it and then move to indy and find a real job...it's all pretty crazy cause my parents expect me to get this amazing job right after i graduate and everything. and i have this great expectation to live up to...it sucks. but maybe i should feel a wee better knowing my brother is having a hard time finding a job as well (but he already has a job)...sigh....

but everything else seems to be going well...my life is okay for the moment. i just wish i didn't have an annoying roommate to live with -- really don't appreciate her eating my food all the time (that i buy), never cleaning up after herself, never cleaning the apartment, always using and moving my things. sometimes i really feel that i'm living with a 10 year old and i have to watch after her...sorry i'm not a mother yet and i don't want to be for a long time...grow up!
k...enough ranting.

hate wednesdays

so it's wednesday...yet again. i guess i shouldn't complain too much about wednesdays cause it's just another day closer to the weekend. but i hate weds...working at school for 6 hours and then have to go to the worst class in the history of the department. i seriously want to pull out my eyes from their sockets to get out of that class. it's soooo awful. speaking of though -- i have a lot of work to do for that class...grrr. no motivation anymore from me. it truly sucks.

i guess i'm starting to realize how crazy my life is...total randomness, unexpected meetings and whatnot. i just don't know if i can handle it...sometimes i just want to lock myself in my room and just wish that my life wasn't so complicated and such a mess. that would be nice wouldn't it?

hate wednesdays

so it's wednesday...yet again. i guess i shouldn't complain too much about wednesdays cause it's just another day closer to the weekend. but i hate weds...working at school for 6 hours and then have to go to the worst class in the history of the department. i seriously want to pull out my eyes from their sockets to get out of that class. it's soooo awful. speaking of though -- i have a lot of work to do for that class...grrr. no motivation anymore from me. it truly sucks.

i guess i'm starting to realize how crazy my life is...total randomness, unexpected meetings and whatnot. i just don't know if i can handle it...sometimes i just want to lock myself in my room and just wish that my life wasn't so complicated and such a mess. that would be nice wouldn't it?

first and last impressions

it's interesting how my view of people can change so quickly or drastically. i guess i'm one of those people who tries to see the best in others, to think everyone is polite, friendly and just nice. but really, people really can be rude, mean and hateful. i just don't get that. especially working in a restaurant and serving people, you can really see how awful some people can be. it's quite interesting...

and then there are just your friends, co-workers or just acquaintances. i sometimes wonder what i saw in other people that drew me to them...was it their smile, their sense of humor or wonderful personality? and it can change so drastically it's crazy...i guess i really am not a very good judge of character.

anyway...it's the end of the weekend and tomorrow is another day of yet another week. it's scary how fast this semester is going and yet i cannot wait for it to be over.

too tired to be awake

went out last night and paying for it today...i even skipped my class and took a 3 hour nap but i'm still dying...i thought i had gotten enough sleep but i guess not. and i have to work tonight at the restaurant...will definitely not be functioning clearly and therefore probably make awful tips. oh well!
maybe i will go home early and try to get a nap in...seriously, didn't even take a shower this morning -- just rolled out of bed, hoped that my hair was okay, didn't put in my contacts and went off to work. oh well, not like i am trying to impress anyone anyways!

found out that it indeed is a very small world...random people i know know other random people i know...interesting, haha. hopefully no one talks about me! lol.

i have to say i am really excited about the future -- i am definitely going to move to indy when my lease runs out in july. i figure it'll be a lot easier to find a real job when i'm already in the city instead of being in muncie and driving down there all the time. i need to start applying to jobs again but the rejection is really hard. i hate it not hearing back from people or knowing they didn't even look at my resume. it really sucks.
but i guess that's just the part of growing up and being an adult...not everyone gets their dream job right off hand. i guess i just need to realize that.

stop raining

i feel as if indiana is the state for rain...i swear it rains almost every day. hate it. it's beautiful one day and then the next it's storming and the roads are flooded (cause it's so flat it has no where else to go) and i'm drenched through and through...hate it.

things are back to normal, or as much as they can be. school started up again, students are back from spring break. as much as i would have loved to gone on spring break, i'm glad i stayed. i had a lot of fun just hanging out with people here, going out, chilling, working and making really good money. cannot complain! i do wish though i was a bit tanner...but i can remedy that quickly by going to a tanning place...hmmm, i might have to start tanning again.

anywho...just trying to get through the rest of this god awful semester i call j605 and working in the wc.

confusion

i hate it when i meet people and they are amazing and yet i know i have no chance with them. i met this really awesome guy over the past week and seriously like him a lot. but he's just not that into me. and i have to admit that it hurts a lot. why can't he like me, what's wrong with me? those are just two of the many questions that are rolling around in my head. it sucks cause i know whoever he does end up with is one lucky girl. i seem to fall for the wrong guys all the time. i like the ones that are either taken and totally unavailable, ones who just aren't looking for a relationship or anything or ones who just aren't into me like i am into them. go figure huh? am i just looking too hard? i want a relationship, i need to get over my past relationships and just move on with my life. i want to meet a guy who makes my life better, happier and just more fun. i want to live knowing i am making a small difference in someone's life...is that too much to ask for? i guess when i was a small girl i never thought it would be this hard to meet a guy. i grew up on romantic comedies where everyone ends up together. and i just thought that was life. guess i was really wrong...
it sucks...that's all i can say.

when is good too good?

sometimes i wonder if mixing business with pleasure is the best thing. obviously people would disagree with me on that one...i've been hanging out with people from work outside of work and i'm wondering if it is going to bite me in the butt later on. i'm not sure what to expect actually. i think maybe i shouldn't be so eager to hang out with people cause the more you spend time with someone the less exciting it seems to get - know what i mean? or am i just being way over paranoid???

looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and not having to go into work till 4:30. except i hate being one of the closers cause i have to stay there when everyone else has gone home. it gets very boring let me tell you what. sigh...

life is going pretty well - cannot complain. i think my plan is to move to indy as soon as possible now. i hate muncie, hate the weather, the backwards people and the absolute mess i have seem to have dug myself in while i've been here. plus, everytime i go to indy, i fall in love with it again and again. i cannot wait to live there for good...i just need to find a job though! i might get a summer internship and it could lead into something, i don't know...will keep my fingers cross and hope for the best. but i hate to think i will be driving to indy every day again...

happy belly

hmmm, good food just makes me so happy. went out to dinner with stephanie from work in indy. the restaurant, palamino's, is excellent. really pretty and decorated well and just has a really nice, almost foreign atmosphere to it. and it was sooo yummy! i brought home some tiramisu, which i have to say is spiked, haha...wasn't expecting that. i was like this tastes like it has alcohol in it -- and yup it did! haha...i'm such a dork...
going over to kelsey's to play games and hang out with the usual crew from red lobster. should hopefully be fun.

full of surprises

i have to agree that life is full of little surprises...ones that take you by complete surprise, other just by their timing and the irony of everything that seems to happen for some reason or another. i have to say though those make life complete, happy and totally enjoyable.
work is still going really well. i thought i wouldn't have such a good time cause of spring break and everyone seem to have gone someplace warm and fun. but muncie is okay cause i am working every free minute i have and with people who make me laugh. i love my co-workers. i could not have asked for better people to work with. i wonder how i got so lucky. and i think it's even better knowing that i am not going to be there forever, so i'll probably won't be feeling as if i warmed out my welcome, know what i mean?
but yes...little surprises all day today, ones of knowledge, facts and just silliness. i laughed so much today it was great.

so as i work my way through this week, i can only hope for more little surprises, the bumps in the road and the knowing that i will be okay.

happy birthday!

today is my sister and brother's birthday -- yup, born on the same day but not twins. my brother was born on my sister's bday 3 years later. i sent cards...hopefully they will get them soon cause i hate being late on things. which reminds me, i have to return my library movies and pick up another one. love the free rentals at the public library! haha.

oh my...i am absolutely dead right now. i have no motivation, no energy, nada. i don't want to do anything. i wonder if i have a disorder or something, really wouldn't surprise me nowadays. i foolishly picked up a shift for tonight so i have to go to work today, but don't have to go in until 6. i have absolutely no idea why they make it so late...it's not going to be that busy - or it probably will be now i said something. sigh...
money, that is all that matters!

kind of cold out all of a sudden. not sure what is up with the weather lately. it was suppose to be really warm and now it's rather cold. i hate muncie weather. can't seem to make up its mind how it wants to be for some reason.

new beginnings

the start of a new month...and i'm wondering what it will bring. i was hoping for warmer weather, more sunshine and a lot more rest. but i guess i will take whatever i get.
stuck in the wc all day and then class. we're having a guest speaker so i'm hoping that it won't be all that bad...but i'm bringing the laptop in so i won't fall asleep completely. i wish i didn't have any classes this semester, but really shouldn't complain cause i'm only taking one.

for some reason my appetite has just gone right down the pooper -- i'm not really hungry, nothing looks appetizing and i'm sick of food. i wonder if i'm getting sick or it's just a sign that i've been working in the food business way too long. the only thing that sounds really good to me right now is crab legs --- yummmy!!!!

it was suppose to be in the 60's today but someone lied cause it's actually pretty cold and only in the 40's...spring, where are you? i can't wait for wonderful beautiful weather, short sleeve shirts, skirts and sandals! kind of makes me wish i was going to flordia or something.