wondering

the future....what does it hold for someone like me? someone who is afraid of it and yearns for it. someone who wants to mold it but wants it to be a surprise. i'm faltering here...i'm at a stage in my life that i don't know what i want and it scares me. it scares me so much that i would rather hide than face it. so many things i thought were going to happen have disappeared and i wonder if i can ever get them back. people come and go, opportunities appear and disappear. i have no idea why they seem to slip through my fingers. is it me - am i driving them away cause i'm afraid that maybe something good is going to happen, that yes maybe i am going to be happy even though i don't deserve it? my time here is ending soon and i'll be moving to another city, hopefully starting a new chapter of my life. i'm excited as it will be fresh, a new start. a change of scenery has always been good for me. but i hate to think i hop from one place to another whenever my life seems to be a mess, that i can't face my problems. am i wrong in thinking that life can be very cruel and hateful when you least expect it?
i don't know anymore. i used to think i had my life all mapped out, that my fantasies would come true and i would just be happy and successful. but i've learned my lesson. and it hasn't been a very easy one. it's hard to think that your dreams are just that...nothing but dreams and life is hard and you can't expect it to be anything but. am i settling? am i defeated?

start of something new

it's always interesting starting a new relationship, if it be a new friendship or something romantic. there is the excitment, the nervousness...different emotions and the time and effort it takes to keep it going and hopefully enough to last. not sure where i am right now...my relationships are all over the place. some are new, some are really blossoming while others are starting to die. and with those ones, am i sad? sure, i've committed to them for the past few years but sometimes you just have to let them go. and maybe that is what i'm doing. i'm getting so tired of working at them with really nothing in return. and i've come to realize that sometimes things just aren't meant to last, even though you want them to so badly.
but my new ones...well i'm just hoping for the best with those. i can't wait for the next few months cause i think i will be really happy. i think i've finally met the one i can see myself with for a long time. but i don't want to jinx it....