end of a long weekend

finally, the weekend is over. it was looooong...doubles four days in a row. yeah, my feet are killing me and i feel as if i have not seen my bed for a week. things are okay, other than the 'rents feeling that i have given up, and they are continuously pestering me. i know that they want the best for me, but sometimes i wish they would just leave me alone so that i can just figure things out myself. is that too much to ask for?
so things are going well. friendships seem better, i'm just trying to enjoy them while i can. and trying to enjoy my youth while i can as well.

somber

realizing that maybe some relationships aren't suppose to last or even continue. and i wonder why i had invested so much time and effort into some of them because they suck. and i get hurt. realizing that some people are selfish and not worth more than a minute's worth of attention. that they just look out for themselves, no matter how hard you try to be there for them. doesn't matter that they trample all over you as long as they get there first. and here i am...stuck at the end, wondering what the HELL happened...
just realized that maybe i saw things too positively, that maybe that's just how i wanted to see it cause i wanted to be optimistic and be happy. but in my foolishness...i was totally blinded and now i'm just kicking myself for everything.
thought i knew what i wanted but now...just don't know. right now i'm at the point i just want to shut the door on everything and everyone...wouldn't it be nice to just be a hermit - not have to talk to people who are going to turn around and stab you in the back. wouldn't it be great to know that you're safe from the world cause you don't have to share your emotions...
i know...it would be extremely lonely and an awful way to live. but sometimes i feel that would be better than what i'm feeling right now...i'm so hurt...i feel as if my heart is literally breaking into pieces and there is no one there to pick them up and put it together. i feel used and just so foolish.
tonight...i just want to cry....

uncertainty

so i'm still waiting for the job...to see if i got it or didn't...i'm sitting on pins and needles, wondering if i got it, wondering if i didn't. and what will happen if i didn't get it, will i stay in muncie or try to move somewhere else? will i be able to find a job wherever i move? will things be okay? a part of me doesn't want to move away from my friends, but then i can't hold myself back because of that. and a lot of my close friends have moved on as well. i guess i like to hold on to people, things, places...it's never easy to pack up and move to a new place where you don't know anyone, where you have to start everything all over again. but then it can be a good thing too...when you want to start fresh, where you don't want people to know who you are cause maybe you want to be someone else...to act differently from before. i guess i'm just waiting to see what will happen...if i will be starting a new chapter in my life or just keeping the same chapter open. it's hard to wait cause of the anticipation...sucks.

back...

went to e-ville after my interview to visit a and j. their apartment is so cute -- huge too! i couldn't believe how big it is, a lot of storage and a really great price. they want me to move to down there...and i kind of am considering it...they are amazing friends and i wouldn't mind being closer. but who knows what is going to happen...where i'm going to end up. the interview went well -- or at least i thought so! i really like the company and the people who work there. they are all very nice and i can see myself fitting in very nicely. so...they have to discuss it and will make up their mind soon and i'm suppose to hear back from them next week. just not really sure what to expect though...i mean i thought it went really well. and i do have my hopes up a lot cause i want it so badly. so...really hoping i get it and if i don't, not really sure what i'll do. i will definitely be very depressed for a while and then get freaked out cause i'm not sure what i'm going to be doing. sigh :-(
anyway...i guess this weekend is going to be "the test." usually we are always hanging out all weekend and no one is here. so i'll be either sitting in my room bored, working all the time or hanging out with my friends who are still here. sigh...

too emotional

i've said my good-byes to my best friends...and i cannot stop crying. i find myself just bawling at the drop of a pin. last night was probably the worst night for me, just because i knew they would be leaving in the morning. helped j pack his room and then we all went to karaoke for a and j's good-bye party. i tried to remain happy, to be positive about everything but afterwards, i couldn't stop crying. and i'm not sure if it has been the stress of the week, the end of school, the end of everything that really got to me all at the same time. those boys have literally been my salvation this past semester -- their friendship means the world to me...i've laughed more, loved more and i believe became a better person because they entered my lives...i know our friendship will never end, that we will stay in touch, but it's hard knowing that they're not just down the road, that i won't be seeing them everyday at work or at each other's houses. i love them so much and i just can't comprehend that they are gone. a has moved...j and j will be coming back in august for school but i don't think i will be here...well hopefully not. i hope that i do get my job and will be moving. where does that leave me? we jokingly said that when we are all finished with school we all have to live in the same city, or at least in the same neighborhood so we will always be together...and i really hope that happens!!! i can't see my life without them. and i can't stop crying...

grrr....

don't really know what's going on. people are going their own way, doing their own thing and i feel as if i'm just standing still, waiting. but for what? i feel i have absolutely no control of my life, no control of anything anymore. is it just the end of the semester woes, the feeling of everything coming down to an end that makes it so difficult? is it saying good-bye to friends, fearing that i'm going to be loosing friendships that have been so precious to me this past semester? i guess it's just everything rolled into one and i'm just not really up to it...not strong enough to handle it. grrr...
i just hope everything works out, that's all. i hope i get this job, hope that i keep in touch with everyone, get to visit them during the summer and be happy. i hate saying good-bye.

stupid me

i'm not sure why i act the way i do sometimes...am i just looking for attention or what? do i feel sorry for myself or am i just trying to punish myself? i'm really not sure but i wish that i would stop it...cause it's only hurting myself. blah.

week's coming to an end very quickly. can't believe it. pretty soon campus is going to be empty, people will be doing their own thing and summer will be here sooner than i know it. hopefully i will be out of here, with a new job and an apartment just to myself. gosh...growing up is scary but also really nice in some ways!!!