frustrated but scared

some things at work that are really frustrating but i have no idea how to express my feelings.  i mean i am not sure if i should say something or not -- i don't want to come off as sounding like i'm complaining or not a team player.  there is definitely a very thing line not to cross.  just as soon as i started feeling like i'm part of the team, part of the company and this crap happens.  grrr....what to do, what to do.

chicago next weekend!  CANNOT WAIT :-)  off with my friend sarah, sightsee and watching "wicked."  i hear from everyone how awesome it is - so i'm expecting it to blow my socks off.  maybe i should have tried to read the book first.  even though we are sitting in the balcony, and i think in the last few rows, i hear the higher up you are the better it is because people are flying throughout the musical.  

halloween in a few days and i am not dressing up.  i just hope that no one will be knocking on my door because i have no candy to give away.

fridays are my favorite

i love fridays - i love knowing that i am going to have 2 days of rest and relaxation, of sleeping in as long as i want without having to worry about work or anything.  love knowing that i can just laze around in my pj's and do whatever i want.  

here i am lounging on my couch with my puppy snoring away in the corner - i wonder how animals sleep so much.  i mean he sleeps for basically 9 hours when i'm at work and then he continues to nap throughout the night.  i sort of envy them, getting to sleep all day and not having to worry about money or making a living or paying rent.  they know that they have someone is going to be taking care of them, that they will have food in their belly, etc. lucky dog - lol.

what else.  not really anything - i am just wondering how the rest of this year is going to play out.  work has picked up a little bit but with the economy being the way it has a lot of people in my field are afraid, and rightly so.  companies aren't hiring as many people as they used to, recruiting budgets are down.  but right now i feel pretty good.  had some good conversations with my team members and managers and i feel confident about my future.  just hope that feeling stays constant!

is work worth it?

sometimes i wonder if my life should revolve around work, that if i hate my job so much why shouldn't i just quit or try to find something else that makes me happier and more satisfied?  there are days when i do sort of feel content about my job, but then most other days i hate, hate, hate my job and wonder why i put myself through it every day.  but the money is what i need, the security is nice and i guess i am pretty lucky that i even have a job in today's economy.  but i do not like my boss.  i do not like that i have a big bull's eye target on the back of my head and i have to take extra precautions to not get shot (fired).  scary.

well, i am sitting at home, tired, telling myself that i should be going to bed but am watching "dirty, sexy money" and blogging on my brand new computer.  my old one died on me all of a sudden so i had to get another one.  ugh...more expenses that i don't need.  but love it :-)  it took me forever trying to figure out how to connect the wireless internet, but i finally got it.  guess i'm not that technologically challenged as i thought i was, lol.  

weather here is turning cold.  love the blustery weather - love walking outside and it feels so great, no more sweating or the blaring sun on my face.  love not having to turn on the ac or the heat, it's just perfect. i am not, however, looking forward to winter.  snow, sleet, freezing weather.  ugh :-(  why am i not living in california or hawaii where it never snows but is a perfect 70 degrees every day?  maybe one day....i do want to go back to london, but i fear that dream is pretty far away.  europe is so much more expensive and i would have no idea what i would be doing there.  i know no one over there but it would be a nice place to start all over again.  maybe that is what i need, a new start where no one knows me, where i can re-invent myself and make myself into someone i am proud to be and actually like.  that sounds like a great idea :-)  wish i had more money to move anywhere i wanted to.  how lovely that would be.

tomorrow...team dinner and we have to present.  ugh.  can i say how i am not looking forward to that?  i hate work-related things.  

haggis, anyone?

so some great news...talked with my brother last night since he just got back from a 2 week trip to germany and switzerland. he's an airline pilot and can fly all across the world for basically free. and because i'm immediate family, i can get great deals on airline tickets. well we were talking and i said that next time he goes on a trip to europe i am DEFINITELY going with him. so one thing led to another and now we are planning a trip to scotland :-) !!!!!

as much as i love london, i fell in love with scotland - it's so beautiful and the people, i feel, are much more friendly. so we're thinking of going in april, to try to miss the winter and let me get some pto accrued from work. i'm so excited! i cannot wait....

am i making you jealous yet? lol

my dog

i have become a recent "parent" - adopted my first dog and learning the pains of parenthood. alex, my adorable boxer, had a rough childhood. i believe he was abused by not only his previous owner but the other 70 dogs this guy had. yes, you read right, 70 other dogs. poor alex has scars all over his body, doesn't really trust people and is extremely sensitive. but one look at his adorable face and i couldn't resist. it's definitely been a rough transition period - from bathroom accidents to acting crazy and making a scene when we're walking. i know he comes with a lot of baggage but it's just working with him and letting him know that no harm is going to come to him ever again.
i love the company though - when i walk through the door i know he is so happy to see me and loves me unconditionally. he follows me everywhere i go, even to the bathroom. i love that he snores, that he drools and his tail can leave bruises on your legs cause it whips 50 miles a minute. :-)

end of the summer

wow. that is the only word that comes to mind - wow. i cannot believe how fast this summer has gone by. i seem to remember i was looking forward to may - my brother's wedding - and now it is almost september. guess a lot actually happened - my brother got married, one of my best friends got married as well, my sister had another baby, i got situated in my new job and got a dog. i just feel that the days are running into one another, hard to keep track. and i'm only getting older, quicker. i always thought i was going to have all this time to figure out what i wanted to do with my life, to meet someone special, to become a person i would be proud of...but it feels like i really haven't had so much time to do anything. is that normal? or just me?
i guess when i was younger i just dreamt my teenage years away. and now that i'm almost 27, i wish i could just get a few years back, not to waste them but do something useful. crazy how you wish to be older and now you just want time to rewind. of course i would do things differently -- so many things differently!

work has been quite interesting...a bunch of people got laid off and it got me kind of scared about my position. i mean i was told i had nothing to worry about - but you never know if the company is going down. sometimes i feel that i have no control over my career, and sort of wonder if i should be looking for something else. i mean i enjoy what i'm doing, and i feel that i am learning a lot and getting the valuable experience that i need. but there are other times i feel jilted, not appreciated and totally taken advantage of. but i'm too chicken shit to say anything...so guess i can't really complain since i am not taking care of it myself. is this how all jobs are though? guess i thought the corporate world was so glamorous....

guess you just learn, one day at at time...

people from the past

i recently reconnected with an old friend from the past. we actually had a falling out about 7 months ago and hadn't talked since then. and out of the blue he texts me, wanting to talk. a part of me was really apprehensive, as our 2 year old friendship had been one of ups and downs. we both had hurt one another in some way. but then i also thought of all the great times we shared - the laughs, the inside jokes, the bond we shared with one another. and ever since i moved i feel that i did have a small void in my life, one that couldn't really be easily filled. i think once you get older, out of the whole school phase, it's hard to meet people. i think i took college for granted - being surrounded by thousands and thousands of people my own age. you got to be picky with your friends. but when you're out in the real world, you start to realize that it's not so easy. everyone has their own lives - be it work or family. you can't just play hooky and hang out in the middle of the day or visit your neighbor at 2 a.m. you really have to treasure the great friends you have, and keep them close and not let little, pity things drive you apart. that was one thing he said and i appreciate it and it did get me thinking. i don't want to loose the people around me. and i want to keep them close and not easily forget them. life is too short and precious to be living alone.

so that's off my chest and out in the void of whatever this is....

right now my life is feeling like a roller coaster. i definitely have the days everything is perfect and nothing can ruin my smile. and then there are other days i feel nothing is right, that the world is out to get me. i wonder if it's being so far away from family, me missing out on so much that is going on with them. or living on my own after years of roommates. or being single in a world occupied by couples. i dunno.